I remember this feeling. It's the feeling I have in my gut right now. It's the realization that this time might be the last time I get to tell them that I love them. It's that moment when I've heard too many bad things, my cool starts to unravel. It's the same moment that I start bargaining with God.
"Dear God. Please don't let this be that moment." And then the relief, for us lucky ones, that God heard our prayers this time. Then we mourn for the ones who did lose, feeling like we just cheated death at the expense of another. But then, the circumstances just keep getting worse. The nightmare continues. And then I bargain with God, several more times.
The size of my present emotional experience is enormous, just like it was on 9.11.2001. I can only listen to the news a little bit at a time. I minimize my emotional involvement by sticking to print media as my source of information. I also have to be careful who I talk to, because some people exacerbate my fears. I saw a little bit of CNN on TV at the Thai restaurant the other day, and that was too much hype. My mind goes on over-drive with the "what if's." And I start to lose my cool.
I saw an article about the earthquake in Japan that reminded me of my own emotional experience during 9.11. Please read this article, because it's excellently written, and beautiful.
http://www.odemagazine.com/blogs/readers_blog/24755/a_letter_from_sendai When things get really bad, we all can manifest the angels within us. Kindness, and generosity, can prevail.
I've seen this happen before. Being in N.Y.C. on 9/11/2001 was, quite ironically, the most beautiful experience of my life. It's the reason I know there is hope for us. When things get bad, we can change overnight, because Change is an emotional decision. I saw it happen in NY.
I'm seeing it happen again in Japan. It's beautiful to watch Change happen. We can be so strong. We can be so beautiful. We can become the Love within us, instantaneously. And at the same time, I continue to bargain with God. Not this time. Not this call. I'm not ready.
And then I think to myself.... or maybe I am. Maybe I am ready for Change.
Maybe if I knew that Change is hard but necessary, it'll be easier. The
Goddess of Kali teaches us that destruction, or crisis, is the mother of all Change. Maybe this is how Change feels. Part of me mourns the passing of the pre-Earthquake Japan. But now, the recovery of the post-Earthquake Japan has begun. And I know it will be beautiful.
But for now, I want the destruction to end, Dear God.
"And please protect my family."
I continue to pray, powerless to do anything else.
[My mother, my sister, my nephew Sprit, my niece Em and my sister's husband are in Tokyo. They seem quite calm and think that wearing a hat is a sufficient response to the nuclear crisis. My brother's wife and three kids are also in Japan, trying to decide how far they should be from the failing Fukushima nuclear plants. My family in the U.S. is more freaked out than my family in Japan. The Japanese-media has continued to downplay the news, but I'm not certain yet if it's just to keep people calm.
http://www.facebook.com/notes/paul-atkinson/japan-nuclear-update-british-embassy/10150111611771235]
