The Teachings of Perro

Perro is teaching me yet another lesson.

Oh how I wish I can have Perro back! I find myself looking for him constantly. Where is he? And then I have to remind myself about yesterday. And then my heart sinks but I still look for him, wishing that I was wrong.

The lessons for today are:
Never waste the life we are given.
Be the best we can, every day.
Seize the Day.
Our time in this realm is a gift.
Today can never be repeated again.
So don't take it for granted.

I know these lessons - but it's good to be reminded.
These are all life lessons that will help me live a simpler life. IMHO.

Perro aka Petal died today at 2pm.

He was an awesome dog and an awesome Spirit.His Spirit was friends with my Spirit.
And he nurtured my soul, and hopefully, I gave him enough in return.

I realize that, even though he was a dog, he was a unique, unrepeatable spirit unlike any other. The technology exists to clone him genetically, but he, as a sum total of his nurturing and naturing, was unique.
And he held a unique place in this World for me.

I made new friends yesterday. I had left Perro at the hospital (thinking that he was going to get better). But I was grieving his illness, and so when a neighbor (name starts with the initial S) who I'd been casually conversing with here and now for months invited me over, I ended up spending the entire evening at their house, smoking and drinking and talking. They are a family of four, and a bunch of their friends were there as well. S's husband T told me that he was born Muslim, and that he has studied all religions - and that he realized that all religions basically say the same thing: "God is Within Us."

So we are all unique and we all carry God within. (Later, when I talked about this with a Shaman I met randomly, he corrected me to say that actually, his view is slightly different. He says that actually, the correct statement is that "God is Within All Beings" - not just humans. I agreed with him that that was a better statement. Because it included Perro.)

(February 14th update: Since, I've thought about this a bit more and I think now the correct statement is "God is Everywhere." Buddhists have a way of placing a lot of importance to serving the other, but in a very self conscious way. And Christianity says that humans sin and that we must seek God which is without (outside of us). So I think the correct statement is that God is both within and without. Indeed, God is everywhere you want to be. Just like American Express.)

I've heard a Buddhist teaching that says that there are 6 billion paths to Peace (now 7 billion). They say that each human being represents a new opportunity for Peace. We are, each one of us, all opportunities for a better World. We are given this lifetime to show our true colors and shine through all the adversity, in order to be representations of the God that we wish for. And God is Love, above all else. Both God and Love are pregnant with infinite possibilities, IMHO.

I believe that this principal even extends to puppies like Perro. He was a unique, unrepeatable angel on earth, a symbol of good and love. Perro was my teacher. He taught me love, when all else felt concluded. When I was younger, he nourished my heart, and loved me back to life when I could have deserted it. He pawed at my hands, and gave me something to hold onto. His spirit, and the existence of him, made me a believer - that anything is possible, to even a fool like me.

So here's a poem I wrote for Perro months ago (Sept 2009, to be exact).
I'm reprinting it here as a eulogy to my Puppy.

As your
Berro sticks out ("Berro" means "tongue," and "Perro" means "slurp")
Can’t I resist the temptation to
Dance with your paws
Eager to please, you
Feign deathly hunger
Getting no-where with your whines
Happily wagging your fuzz
In the hopes of getting lucky
Just barely short of desperation
Kissing the floor which I walk on
Lickity lickity lick
Making the floor very sticky
Nothing you do makes me angry
Owing to your grand cuteness
Perro you are my darling
Quite a shame you are a dog
Resting your chin on my arm
Slumber you do while you snore
Tickling me with your wet nose
Up you go with your whine
Vetting for lady luck’s smile
Wetting your appetite for more
Xciting tidbits to fall
You are so amazingly perfect
Zeus made you for me - and me for you!

Perro - I will miss you very very much.
Thank you for being my teacher.
You will always be my love.

Winter Solstice and the Full Moon - a time of pregnant transformation

My friend Sharron sent me a beautiful e-mail. I want to re-print it here but I'm still getting clearance from her and her friends. They wrote it together.

Sharron's e-mail was about the winter solstice and the full moon that took place on December 20th. It was the first lunar eclipse that took place on the same day as the winter solstice (the shortest day of the year) in 350+ years. She talked about the importance of Darkness: Without darkness, nothing can be born. All life first begins in darkness. Darkness is pregnant with possibilities.

They spoke about Kali, the hindu goddess of destruction. Without destruction, there are no new beginnings.

"From the comfort and safety of this blessed darkness, let us release the fear of the unknown and welcome the light. There are two ways of spreading light, to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it." E. Wharton

“To continue one’s journey in the darkness with one’s footsteps guided by the illumination of REMEMBERED RADIANCE, is to know courage of a peculiar kind, the courage to demand that light continue to be light even in the surrounding darkness” H. Thurman

Another friend of mine gave me, for Christmas, a DVD of "Eat Prey Love," originally a book written by Elizabeth Gilbert. In the movie, Richard from Texas talks about how transformation is difficult but necessary - that it's a GOOD thing.

I believe in the Goodness of Transformation. I believe that right now, things are "dark" because I'm letting go of all the things that weren't working for me, before I decided to simplify my life. I'm letting go of the food, lifestyle, and love that I thought would nourish my soul but didn't. It's hard - but I'm looking forward to the new me that is nourished completely by what the Universe provides me with, without over-consuming resources and without my strained interventions. It's a painful journey along the way - I'm making a lot of mistakes in applying the lessons that are being taught to me - the main lesson being that I should trust my instincts. I'm writing this blog to record the lessons so I'll remember them. I don't trust my instincts fully yet, so I make a lot of mistakes and it's not been a picnic around here - but I've seen the light in life and I remember happiness. So I know it's waiting for me somewhere on the other side of this.

I want to be the change that I want to see in the World. That's the only way I know how to exist, because that is my life purpose - to help others realize our Oneness in this Universe. These days, my life purpose has felt like a burden. I miss the days of living selfishly and unconsciously. I miss being stupid. But life has presented me with a challenge, and I don't know how to walk away from it without it being a challenge.

Yet.

OK, giving up meat is not so simple.

And I performed retail therapy today.
I haven't taken my dogs on long walks this last couple of weeks.
It's been really busy.
In a good way, maybe.
Or not? I have no idea.
OK - I had pork today. And the dish wasn't even worth breaking the rule for.
I was just hungry and cold and the memory of ramen (Japanese-style noodle soup) comforted me.

On the Spirituality of Simplicity (Part Two)

Spending Thanksgiving weekend by myself was pretty much the scariest thing I could think of doing. What would that mean about me? Am I truly that alone? And the simple truth was this: Yes, I am. And so I embraced it. And then the people who cared about me called me, and I relished the free time I had for the first time in a long time. I appreciated and cherished my friendships more than ever before, because I knew that those people were in my life because the feelings were mutual. And you know what? Those emotions that I was afraid would come knocking on my door - depression, sadness, loneliness - never arrived (or maybe I should say that they didn't stick around). Instead, I was happy, relaxed, and content with the life I did have.

I did cry a little bit over the weekend, but the crying was a release, an acceptance, an exercise in putting closure to the things that have been. I believe that whenever I shed tears, it's because I've finally accepted something as Truth. I welcome the tears, because acceptance only comes after I've gone through the stages of what Kubler-Ross called the five stages of grief (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C3%BCbler-Ross_model). The five stages are: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. By the time I cry, I've experienced a myriad of emotions. And knowing that my tears are a sign of my mental health is a good relief. Because at times I've felt like I'm going insane, because the things I am accepting are so outside of who I've been until that point.The act of acceptance makes me a new person with a different outlook on life.

Also, on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, I wrote about how I had a vision of driving up the coast. That was what I used to do to blow off some steam, before I chose the simpler life. What I actually did was different. I walked around town, and realized that it has been very beautiful here in the Fall. I bundled up to walk in the cold weather. It rained a lot over the weekend. The changes in the weather are a lot more subtle here compared to the East Coast, but it's there if you pay attention. The Ginkgo leaves turn a brilliant golden-yellow.The nippy-ness of the cold felt refreshing and invigorating. 

At this point, I've thought long and hard about what my needs are at the most basic level. Having been an avid backpacker when I was younger taught me, among many things, that in the end, we don't need that much to persist. The things that I can carry on my back will sustain me for at least a week, if not more. And that's a powerful thought. When it comes down to it, I just don't need that much to be happy.

That's why I wrote the Thanksgiving Prayer. Because I think the list pretty much says it all. I need: Access to Nature, Shelter, Food, Warmth, Love, Teachers (and therefore Students), Companions, Peace around me, and the knowledge that I am part of something bigger.

Once I'd really figured out the things I need, I could then start to shed the things that do not directly affect these things. I'll probably have to ween myself off of some pleasures (like I won't be able to eat out as much) but in the end that's actually healthier and also better for the environment because then I'll actually control the ingredients of the food I consume. Hopefully I'll do my best to purchase organic, local produce. Of course, I will probably cheat a little here and there (I like getting my toilet paper in bulk at Costco) for the foreseeable future until I figure out other solutions for each type of consumer product. (For example, I've been looking for personal care products, i.e. shampoos & conditioners, that are NOT packaged in plastic - it's very hard to find.) But for now, I've actually been buying most of my food at the local farmer's market. The Berkeley Farmer's Market unfolds a block away every Tuesday. I can get meat, fish, frozen locally made tamales / pasta, yogurt, ice cream, cookies, fresh bread, chocolate, Blue Bottle Coffee, and seasonal vegetables and fruits. It really is enough. And it's a lot healthier then the other stuff I used to eat. So my new life rule is that if I'm going grocery shopping, I'm going to go there on foot (I will continue to get some staples like flour / sugar / salt / etc. at the grocery store up the street).

In conclusion, I didn't use the car these past four days... except twice to go get food. But otherwise, I walked everywhere, even to the hardware store 30 minutes away, with my dogs. And I found that to be very enjoyable. I am becoming more attuned to the power of the natural world, and the beauty of it as well. The things that my subconscious finds beautiful are strong clues to the path that I am meant to follow.

On the Spirituality of Simplicity (Part One)

This exercise of simplifying my life is a Spiritual Path. It is a path towards letting go of attachments. It is also a very clear path towards Happiness and Enlightenment, at least according to the Dalai Lama. All of that, for just simplifying my life! What a bargain.

I haven't been writing as much about simplifying the material things in my life (my motorcycle battery, etc.) because for one, it's been raining outside, but also because I have been busy absorbing information for the past couple of months about how to live simply. At some point, I realized that simplifying my life was mostly about my mental outlook on life. 

Below, I've paraphrased key points I learned in my  research (identified in italics). My own extrapolations are in bold.

In order to be happier, we first need to stop consuming that which we think will make us happier, but ultimately does not. Because once we let go of the things that are not working, we could make room for other things that might make us happier. See http://zenhabits.net/zen-attachment/

To put the above precept into practice, I needed to:
First, identify the necessary things in my life. From that, extrapolate the optional things. (That which is not necessary is optional.)

See Part Two for the extended story, but for me, the necessary things in my life are: Access to Nature, Shelter, Food, Warmth, Love, Teachers (and therefore Students), Companions, Peace around me, and the knowledge that I am part of something bigger.

Once I identified the necessary things in my life, then I could identify the other things that were optional. It's just a process of elimination. So the first thing I looked at was my relationship with the Oracle. Most romantic relationships start as optional relationships, so it was not hard to identify as an optional item in my life.

Second, ask myself honestly if that optional thing brings me happiness in the way I feel is important.

So I asked myself this: "Is this relationship really making me happy?"

Sadly, the answer was a No. 

There were too many points of conflicts in the relationship.
And I now had a new found knowledge that, if I let go of him, I might make space for other things that might make us both happier.

I also have learned that I have to let go of trying to control my happiness (which is the same thing as letting go of attachments). To "control happiness" is to try to manipulate my surroundings so that it would make me happier, as if the people and things external to me could deliver me the happiness that I was looking for. Instead, I must personally take responsibility for my own happiness, and so I must choose / not choose the things that make me happy without the manipulation / control. All I can do is say "yes" or "no" to a situation, in order to choose whether it is in my life or not. I can't attach conditions such as, "Yes, but..." It just doesn't seem to work out. See CNM: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself, by Melody Beattie. See also See http://zenhabits.net/zen-attachment/.

Third, if it's not making me happy, let it go.

So I let go of the Oracle, finally. 

Once I let go of the things that are not working, I could make room for the things that might make me happier. Whether or not it's the same person I find happiness with in the end - that almost doesn't matter.

After I realized how obvious the above lessons were, I started to beat myself up, because I felt I should have known these things earlier in my life - that happiness was just a matter of me shifting my mindset. I wished I had trusted years ago that I would be OK, regardless of whether I tried to control the situation or not (I'm a Lawyer, what can I say? The profession makes me both controlling and un-trusting.). But I also know now that none of my life has been wasted, for I needed to learn my past lessons to be ready for the lessons I'm learning now. See CNM: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself, by Melody Beattie.

Fourth, Thank my teacher(s) for teaching me the lesson I just learned.

The Oracle was a great teacher. I thank him and honor him for what he has taught me.

So for me, the four steps to identifying the things I can simplify in my life are:

1) Identify the necessary things in my life. And from there, figure out the optional things in life.

2) Ask myself honestly if that optional thing brings me happiness in the way I feel is important.

3) If it's not making me happy, let it go.

4) Thank my teacher(s) for teaching me the lesson I just learned.

(I'm going to try this test on other things in my life.)

Styrofoam

Your
White fluffy tenderness
Or your amazing ability
To keep my juice cold
Or warm
Just the way I wished

You
Are amazing
What your creators
Must've thought you could be

Maybe the revolution

Of our world

Too bad

You just turned out to be

Landfill

Broken and forgotten

For the benefits you accrued

Your Creators

For a

Brief moment in time

You white fluffy thing

Thanksgiving Prayer

I give Thanks to those around me.
I give Thanks to the sky above me.
I give Thanks to the warmth around me.
I give Thanks to the Birds that fly over me.
I give Thanks to the house that protects me.
I give Thanks to the food that's provided me.
I give Thanks to the greenery around me.
I give Thanks to the spirits that encourage me.
I give Thanks to the love that is given me.
I give Thanks to my friends.
I give Thanks to my family.
I give Thanks to the people I live with.
I give Thanks to my community.
I give Thanks to my teachers.
I give Thanks to the people I have loved.
I give Thanks to the people I love.
I give Thanks to my enemies.
I give Thanks to the lessons I have learned.
I give Thanks to the existence of peace.
I give Thanks to my Life.
I give Thanks to me.
And I give Thanks to God (or our Higher Power, Spirit, Allah, Jesus, Nature, Amma, or any other symbol for what stands for the good in our world.)

Tomorrow's Thanksgiving

I have absolutely no plans for Thanksgiving.
It's the first time that's ever happened, ever since I started celebrating Thanksgiving in college. (I am an immigrant. I became a U.S. citizen when I was 26 years old.)
With very few exceptions, I've always cooked my own Turkey.
It's the first time I allowed myself to have no plans for Thanksgiving.
I uninvited some guests from a Turkey dinner that was supposed to happen at my house, last minute (sorry guys!).
It didn't feel right to have Thanksgiving this year, for various reasons.
What a relief!
I feel like I have a four day vacation ahead of me.
What would I do if I had four days off?
From EVERYTHING?
I'm about to find out. It's like an experiment. It's unheard of!
I might crash someone else's Thanksgiving for a change, if that feels right.
Or I might go somewhere beautiful. (Not hard in the bay area.)
See something that inspires me. (Lots of choices.)
And feel the contentment of a simple life.
I give the turkey a BIG thanks for that.
Gobble gobble, to you.
I'm thinking about driving up the coast in my bio-beetle with the doggies.
Over and out.

Grease monkey

Got my hands dirty and took out the motorcycle battery. It should have been easy but I didn't have the right tools to squeeze in and unscrew the parts, so it took forever (about 1.5 hours) to maneuver around tight corners to take off the cover to the battery, and then the battery.

I hooked up the battery directly to the battery tender, and it seems to be charging nicely. Now I just have to monitor it and if all goes well... then I would have fixed the darn thing for free. In the past I've had the bike towed away and gotten a new battery replaced by the nice guys at the store. But I was just outsourcing my problem at the expense of my bank account. It cost a chunk of money, and it didn't make me want to sell the bike for it being such a huge hassle to maintain. From now on, I am not outsourcing my hobbies so that I can appreciate the true cost of not living simply. Ultimately, things like this cost us money or time or both. If I don't truly love or need that activity to be part of my life, I probably shouldn't have it in my life.

Sense of accomplishment for taking out the battery? Yes. Job well done for the day.

It's been a month - a status check

Happy Halloween!! 

I am dressing up as the cookie monster today. I was going to make home made cookies as treats to go with the outfit, but was reminded that that isn't such a great idea (because parents don't trust that strangers wouldn't spike it with poison - so those types of treats are thrown out before the kids get to it). It's sad to know that the favored treats are the candy bars that line the shelves of the local drugstore. They aren't as healthy, and often are loaded with artificial ingredients.

Stalling

Maybe my subconscious has been stalling. I believe it was a month ago that I hatched this crazy idea of blogging about simplifying my life for the next 365 days for the sake of the environment. Like a little birdie. I've sold one car since. And I've been doing a lot of cleaning out my emotional clutter - but it's been mostly talk and no action. In month two, it will be time to get more serious.

Why Bother? 

I read a seminal article written by Michael Pollan, best selling author and brilliant visionary, called "Why Bother?" He wrote it in 2008, and it explains why I'm bothering to simplify my life. The article can be found at: http://michaelpollan.com/articles-archive/why-bother/

He also wrote several books on the issue, and they are all quite brilliant. I wasn't surprised to learn that Pollan is a member of the faculty at UC Berkeley's Journalism School. Maybe he is voicing the Berkeley solution to the world. I drive around town and I witness little pieces of what Pollan talks about. For example, there are a lot of people who use the bicycle as their main mode of transportation to get around town. There are garden collectives nearby, and farming supplies and vegetable seedlings can be found at the local biodiesal station. People are learning how to grow their own food and there are innumerable Vegan's in this town. There are many of us who own chickens and eat home-harvested eggs. Pollen's article concisely and eloquently summarizes the "Why are we doing this?" question in his article. I'd been feeling rather crazy lately for putting myself through this transformation to simplicity, because it's difficult. The steam to move forward wanes when I face a hurdle, but this article gave me a renewed boost towards the goals I've set for myself this year. Thank you Mr. Pollan for your body of work. You are a great leader and I hope you win the Nobel prize.

Motorcycle Next!

My next sale is a motorcycle. The battery is dead, because I don't ride it anymore. And yet, I still have the hot rod ... because it's been cool. It's just been too cool to say things like: "Oh ya, my motorcycle is parked over there." Maybe that was my (mostly unconscious yet just discovered) reason for stalling behaviors like: "I'm too busy to order a new battery online." (Actually - this is true - it has been on my to do list for the past two weekends.)

I've found that there are consistent obstacles for releasing our attachments to "things."

• Everything takes so much time, if you want to do it "right." Several months ago, I had purchased something called a "battery tender" which is designed to re-charge motorcycle batteries. A month ago, I hooked up the battery tender to my bike, hoping that it would re-charge the battery. It took about a week to figure out that it wasn't working... the battery was so dead that it was beyond saving. So I will be ordering a new battery online. Sigh.

• The choices are paralyzing. Maybe I should sell the bike, without bothering to fix the battery? Well - that's probably a stupid idea, because the buyer won't know what else is wrong with the hunk of metal and plastic. But maybe it's not important to get the most out of the sale. Maybe it's more important that I just sell it? Will the sales price be depressed, since it JUST started to rain for the winter? Wouldn't it be better if I put it on the market in the Spring? I wonder if 365 days is enough time to simplify my life? I wonder if it isn't a life long process? These and other questions flood my brain concerning this single task-at-hand. And to a certain extent, the questions immobilize me. And it keeps me from moving forward.

Not Getting Stuck

I can move forward when things get difficult. I move through ideas and spaces better than anyone else I know. I don't get stuck or stymied for very long, when I have goals. So I figure out the next little step I need to take regardless of what I choose to do, that will move me closer to the end of this process.

So I make a decision. Regardless of the timing of the sale , I'll need to get a new battery, I think. So here we go: Chapter 9 of the Honda Shadow VT 600 Owner Workshop Manual talks about battery removal and installation. It tells me that I need a 12v, 12 Ah battery. I simultaneously looked up online what kind of battery it needs and it says that I need a 12 v, 8 Ah battery for a 600cc Honda VT600c CD Shadow Deluxe VLX circa 2000. So I need to go down and get greasy to verify what kind of battery I would need to replace to sell the sucker.

See you later.

Fall Camping

I recently went camping. 

And this is what my new friend Earl told me.
"It's fall. The leaves are falling and the moon sets at a different time every night.
Later in the night, the stars come out.
The moon will come up again tomorrow, but a little later than today."
I thought his words were inspired and beautiful.

We were also theorizing, on that day under that lazy afternoon sun, like two ten-year-olds might, whether AIDS and all the other diseases that humanity has been experiencing through the ages isn't nature's answer to humanity's overwhelming success as a species?
I mean, WE RULE, MAN!
And so nature is trying to kill us.
What if we've been winning the fight between MAN v. NATURE overwhelmingly?
What if this is nature's very own "Empire Strikes Back." Who would be the Darth Vadar of the natural world? I think the leader of the evil tyrants look like viruses and bacteria. Formless and silent. Not quite as "quick" as the green blob (I think there was a '70's flick like that), but quick enough and sharper in shape (at a microscopic level, of course).
I mean, aren't we ALL worried about biological warfare at this point in our human history?
What better inventor then nature to come up with some wicked solutions no man is ever capable of conjuring up? (Think platypus, the grand canyon, fire, leprosy, or any other natural phenomena that is off the hook weird or amazing. And then there's AIDS, leprosy, cholera.... wow that's pretty wicked.)

We also talked about how, in a very real way, this will be our future. If humans don't decide to figure out a balance with nature, nature will enforce the balance for us, in a very random and chaotic matter. It is very possible that my generation will be witness to this mass massacre (perhaps through global warming, tsunamis, earthquakes and an outbreak of a new virus... not to be morbid... but at a minimum our climatologists and the scientific community at large all agree that we are heading for a global disaster). It would be much better if humans can agree to change, before nature takes care of this for us. And yet we bury our heads in the sand and refuse to change.

After that scary but half academic discussion using all of what we know of biology and the state of humanity and earth, I took a nap in the sun. I was so relaxed  (despite our conversation) that I didn't worry about the ozone layer or getting skin cancer for a change. I'm usually a bit of an obsessive compulsive frequent hand washer because I'm a bacteria -phobe. However, at camp, I ate food that other people had prepared for me, knowing that they had made it with love. And that was, for that one day, all I needed to know.

The Simplicity of Happiness - My Life Purpose and Interim Goals

In order to simplify my life, I believe I need to prioritize my life. I want to throw out all the b.s. in my life and only keep the necessary or good bits. That means that I need to know myself. At times like this, I think about who I want to be. And then I think about my life purpose.

My Life Purpose

In my late twenties, I had the good fortune of being introduced to a man named Matt Garrigan. Matt is a beautiful person. He used to teach courses called the "Liberty Experience" in San Francisco. It was all about life lessons, in workshop format. I learned a lot from those workshops, like the importance of making choices. I learned from Matt that sometimes, it's just important to make a choice, so that you could move on with the rest of your life. Given all the factors that inform any decision you may need to make, if you're still hemming and hawing about the choice after some reasonable amount of deliberation, they're probably all good options. So if I make the best decision I can given the data that I am privy to at the time I am making the choice (after reasonable due diligence), that's the best anyone could have done. I don't blame myself later for not knowing everything. It's easy to kick yourself later because hindsight is 20/20. But life is full of blind spots and I make leaps of faith decisions all the time. And I make mistakes too, but all-in-all, I am happy with whatever path that I've chosen, to date. Knock on wood.

During another workshop, Matt helped me formulate a "purpose statement" for my life, when I was fumbling for the right words. After listening to me try to describe what I thought was my purpose to him for a minute or two, Matt said to me: "So your life purpose is to 'Help others see our oneness.'" And I said, "Yes. It is." And that's how it was decided. My life purpose. This blog and many other things I've done ever since, in my life, has been in support of this purpose. But it has taken me a long time to figure out what "oneness" even means.

In my gut, I know that all beings are all a continuum of one energy.
At the core, we are vibrating particles, which is the same as saying that we are, at the core, just energy.
I know this, but my left brain has trouble comprehending this.
It seems illogical that I am one with the furniture I sit on.
So more than anything during this lifetime, I am in pursuit of the knowledge to understand our oneness as a universe.
It is the pursuit of a logical explanation of how I am one with the universe.
Because I am in pursuit of this knowledge, I am constantly in search of ways of gaining new knowledge and insight.
I believe I learn most by being a witness.
For example, witnessing beauty teaches me life lessons.
To me, beauty connotes inspiration or brilliance.
I strongly believe that it is important for humans to have time to notice beauty, at least when we are in its presence.
So my life purpose leads me to the following interim conclusion:
This is my life, and I want to see beauty. Lots of it. All the time. So that I may be able to know more.

A LIST OF MY GOALS

Given the above purpose, my life goals are, or have been, as follows:

• I want to climb a high mountain, and experience both the harshness and beauty of nature (Check. I have climbed Mount Shasta, CA.)
• I want to live in Berkeley, California. The people here are brilliant. They are open and loving. The S.F. bay area is beautiful, and the weather is awesome, and I believe that makes us open as human beings. (Check.)
• I want to own a house in Berkeley, California. (Check.)
• I want to own chickens. (Check.)
• I want to own goats / pigs / sheep and milk them for cheese (Not yet.)

(The above three goals are about wanting to be self-sufficient.)

• I want to love. (Check - my dogs and my boyfriend. And my family, in a more confused way.)
• I want to be able to tell every single person I love, that I love them. (Getting there.)
• I want to experience different kinds of love. (Getting there.)
• I want to have an interesting career. (Check.)
• I want to help find balance for other "beings (people / animals)" and earth. (Check.)
• I want to have a sex life. (Check.)
• I want to experience motherhood. (Not yet.)
• I want to have time to myself. (Check. Are the last two mutually exclusive?)
• I want to have time to relax. (Check.)
• I want to get to know people over a long period of time. (Getting there.)
• I want to live walking distance to public transit. (Check.)
• I want to live with other people. (Check.)
• I want to enjoy the people I live with. (Check.)
• I  want to often be in the company of trusted friends. (Getting pretty close.)

Personal Conclusions (Every person is different):

At the core of it, I want to have time to spend in nature, where it's quiet, and where I can hear the leaves rustling and where I can look up and see the sky. There, I want to hear the wind whispering in my ears and the sun shining on me but not so strong, maybe like a lazy afternoon sun. There I am well fed and comfortable and I can nap if I want to, write if I want to, or I can get up, walk over to where friends are, and receive their love and then and in turn, give love. This, to me, is the picture of happiness.

How simple is the above to achieve?
And can I achieve this happiness without feeling like it is at the expense of something else? I want to know.

It's been a lot more days!

Dear Friend:

I apologize for being away. Some fun things:

1. Things have been busy.

2. The car sold for $3200 after all.

3. The Fuel Station Nearby

As advertised before, I drive a bio-beetle (nice alliteration!). There is a bio-diesel gas station close by, and it's called "Bio-Fuel Oasis." The place is fabulous. It's on the corner of Ashby and Sacramento, which is part of my "up and coming neighborhood," and they are an all women, worker-owned cooperative. First awesomeness. Then they sell farming goods inside the shop. Second awesomeness. They have organic chicken feed. Third awesomeness. And bee-keeping equipment. Fourth awesomeness. And, and... the list goes on. They have this very cool "farming in the city" book section, and as I was perusing the books there was a book called "Farm City" by Novella Carpenter. It said, "National Best Seller ... The Education of an Urban Farmer" and pictured a familiar looking women holding a kid goat in her arms.... She looked REALLY familiar, so I asked whether she was someone who was "around" at BioFuel Oasis, and it turns out she is one of their worker-owners. Awesomeness!! I promptly bought a bag of organic chicken feed and the book, along with a tank-full of bio-diesel that day. Money well spent, because I didn't feel guilty about buying anything there.

4. Shopping

I've really had a hard time this week trying to find things that I don't feel guilty eating. Most shrimp is awful for the environment these days. So is beef. So is a million other things on the menu. Oh, and don't even talk to me about shopping for anything these days! It's hard to shop if you're trying to buy local.

5. My Attachment to Knowledge

Keeping myself simple means to me that I read more books, for now. My goal is to know things the way Yoda knows things. My understanding is that there are inherent truths in the Universe. I want to know what they are. I'd not been reading books for a long period of time because I'd been in graduate school and then on three community boards. All that is shifting. Because I am simplifying my life and I only have 365 days to do it.

More later. Til then. Ta ta.

The 4th Day: Selling is not as fun as Buying: maybe I need to trade-in my mentality

Today, I received an offer for $3200 for my car. That was the fun part.
The rest of the selling process was pretty dull.
Making small-talk, feeling like a car salesman, feeling like a jerk for vetting my interest directly against theirs. It did make me realize my uncomfortable relationship with money, and my dis-ease with talking about money with strangers.

To be honest, I don't even want to write about this because I feel like I'm whining.
So I won't. For now. So there.

The 3rd Day: Inner Resistance

It's really hard to give up the things that I feel are mine. Not to be like that creature on the Lord of the Rings...  what was his name? Yes, Gollum. (He's like an uglier, dumber version of Yoda isn't he?) Well, that is what I'm acting like today.

I'm upset that I'm selling my car. I guess I'm feeling possessive about my "stuff"? I'm feeling half pissed-off at the potential purchasers of my beloved, no PRECIOUS, dear old faithful car (DO notice my increased attachment to the car today) when they ask stupid questions like: "Does the car have a clean title?" or "Is the car mechanically sound?" (Yes, I do realize that these are perfectly reasonable questions. I do.) But I feel like responding to them, "Of course it has a clean title and is mechanically perfect, you idiot. It's a great car and I really don't want to give it to you dammit." But of course I refrain from my regular tendency for complete transparency and honesty about what is going on with me, and respond very politely to every stupid inquiry that I get through craigslist. "Dear xxx, Thank you for your inquiry about the Honda CRV via e-mail. Yes, the car is.... bla bla bla."

I know that this is the byproduct of some sort of emotional attachment that I have to "stuff" that I must overcome. I have to tell you that it's extremely uncomfortable and I'm agitated. Maybe I inherited this deep rooted attachment to "my stuff" from my parents? They grew up in an era in history when "things" were extremely scarce. "Mottainai" they would say. Translation is something like, "Don't throw things away if it's good enough for re-use." My parents TOTALLY used to have trouble throwing things away.


Some fun memories involving the CRV:

1) Dogs and Butter

One warm summer day several years ago (probably... 2005 or 2006?) I had gone grocery shopping and was unloading the car. As I was grabbing the grocery bags, I noticed that a box of butter fell out of one of the bags as I was wrestling with it. I thought nothing of this, and as my hands were full, I told myself that I'd get it later and closed the door. Well then I completely forgot about the box of butter until the next day, when I was getting ready to use the car again. I opened the car door from the right side of the vehicle, and let my two little dogs into the car. I then closed the door and was rounding the rear of the car when I noticed from the side of my eyes that the dogs were acting awfully animated inside the car. I opened the car door adjacent to the driver's seat to climb in, when I noticed my Min Pin Kuro devouring the remnants of ... you guessed it... the box of butter. It was a hot day. The box of butter had turned into liquid butter. The two dogs had discovered it and in the short space of time during their exciting discovery to when I rounded the rear of the car to climb into the driver's seat, the two dogs had wrestled with the box, and the box exploded with liquid butter and each dog took its reward to the far corners of the car, thereby splashing the stuff into the car's ventilation system as well as all over the dashboard and into the cloth upholstery. It was an awesome spectacle. I don't remember the moments that followed but I'm pretty sure I screamed some sort of foul word that I can't repeat here. The damage had been complete. My beloved pooches had had the best heart-clogging soup they would ever enjoy in their joint lives, and in the course of it, covering the car with liquid butter. Have I mentioned the fact that butter, when rotten, acts just like milk?

Several days of hot weather ensued and I found out fairly quickly that this was going to be a big big big big problem. For a while, I drove the car with the windows fully down. I had the car detailed several times before the smell was bearable. Then there was the problem of the rotten stuff stuck in the ventilation system. I think it took about three years and many cleanings for the smell to be slight enough that people entering my car wouldn't ask, "What is that smell?"

2) The Malfunctioning Clutch

And then there was the problem with the clutch. The car had a problem with the clutch for pretty much most of the time I'd owned the car. I think the problem originally started when I let my friend take turns driving the car with me, when we went up to a Cabin that I used to own in Placerville. He wasn't used to driving a clutch (manual) car, and so when he put the car in first gear, it made some nasty "ggg" sounds, which sounded as if the car would stall. I had been having problems since, and had been informed by a mechanic several years ago that the car was going to eventually need a new clutch. I no longer have the cabin in Placerville (I sold it before the housing market crashed in 2006) though I  loved that Cabin - it was a really peaceful and beautiful cedar cabin. No nails had been used in its construction. Even though my friend had probably screwed up the clutch that weekend, the problems with the clutch always brought me back to a memory of a happy weekend visiting the cabin with a dear old friend.

3) Terror Struck kids

I also hold fondly my memory of me trying to teach my sister how to drive the darn car with her two kids, looking terror struck, strapped in child-safety seats in the back seat... these are all good memories that I have in connection to that CRV.

These and more memories, are associated with that car.


Letting Go

Tomorrow, I will have a ceremony.
I'll smudge her (the car) with sage to honor her, and release her, and to say to her:

"I no longer require your presence to celebrate your memories. Thank you for your service. Namaste."

Second Day: Logic v. Emotion

I woke up this morning feeling very motivated. I immediately consulted my Oracle (the smartest person I know on this earth), for some sage advice.
I asked him: "So should I sell my car?"
Oracle / my boyfriend "Yes. You should sell your car."
Me: "Hmm. What about the fact that I need to haul stuff around town to fix my house up, or when we go camping? What will I do if I need a bigger vehicle?"
Oracle: "You can use my car."
Me: "... (When the Oracle says that I can use his stuff, I need to be very careful, since I tend to be rough with stuff and the Oracle is not. His stuff is sometimes too nice for my use. The CRV is mine and I don't care if I scratch it. He cares deeply if I scratch his car, and through the years I've learned that my using his "stuff" is not the best thing for our relationship.)"
Oracle: "How many times a year do you actually need a bigger car?"
Me: "Once or twice."
Oracle: "It would be much cheaper for you to just rent a car when you need it. How about if you do those zipcar.com type things (where you can rent a car just to get around town, but only when you really need it?)"
Me: "Hmm. That sounds like a hassle to have to rent a car, when I already could have a car."
Oracle: "..."
Me: "..."

OK, so talking to the Oracle didn't help today. The Oracle, mind you, is a genius. He can out-logic anyone and everyone I know. He is a computer science / engineering professor at a prestigious University. He was at MIT before that, and he is surrounded by world-renowned scientists. Being able to pick the Oracle's brain when making decisions in my life is the best relationship perk, ever.

I have to say that being a smart woman, I trump the Oracle in some decision making arenas. If the Oracle couldn't convince me that I should sell my car using logic, that pretty much meant to me, in the end, that getting rid of my petroleum-guzzling car was not a logical decision, because I could think of any number of logical reasons to keep the car around.

Instead, selling the car became an emotional decision for me - probably like marriage or having a baby. What did I want, ultimately? What is the big picture here, and what type of leap of faith do I need to make for me to feel good about parting with something that benefits me sometimes. The decision was ... harder than I thought it would be.

Absent any convincing logical endorsements from my scientific community (my boyfriend), in the end I decided to sell my petroleum fueled car, despite the inconvenience this may cause in my life, because it was the right thing to do. For my own sake, I myself needed to become the change that I wanted others to be.

The First Day: The Need for Change

Last night, I cooked dinner at my house and my boyfriend had come over to my house to eat dinner. After dinner, we drove back to his house in his car - which is about 5 minutes away by car, and 25 minutes away by foot. Sometimes he'll drive me home in the morning if I'm in a hurry, but today it was really nice outside and I felt like walking back to my house with my dogs. (I have two dogs - a Chihuahua and a  Miniature Pincher. Don't judge! I used to live in NYC.) I walked through various Berkeley neighborhoods, some of it absolutely posh (a throw back to the Norman Rockwell paintings of the 1950s') which is pretty much the neighborhood around where my boyfriend lives in Rockridge. Some of the houses due west of his house look like someone's artistic interpretation of the word "anarchy" (this is Berkeley, after all, where a variety of leftist opinions co-exist). Some of the neighborhoods (around Ashby BART, which is close to where I live) are "less-wealthy." Real Estate brokers euphemistically call my neighborhood "the Up and Coming Neighborhood." Of course, this is Berkeley, where the weather is perfect - and so housing prices are on the higher-end of the national average, even for the "less-wealthy." Unfortunately, last week, there was a fatal shooting (a botched burglary attempt) around the Ashby BART Station. (BART is short for "Bay Area Rapid Transit." It is one of San Francisco Bay Area's multi-layered public transit system.) Mitigating factors were that it occurred at 3am when there was no one around, but still, I guess I'm not going to go for a walk at that hour around my neighborhood.

On the way back to my house, I walked by Ashby BART. Nearby, there was a house with an older lady sitting on the porch in a rocking chair. She saw me and my dogs walking on the other side of the street and she beckoned me, "Come over!" and so I did. The woman was Black and appeared to be in her 70s. She said, "Oh your dogs are so cute!" as I walked over with my pack. When I got closer I smelled urine, and she introduced herself: "Hi, my name is Dana." I introduced myself, and then she said to me with sad eyes, "You seem to be a very nice lady. Thank you for coming over. Do you want to sit here?" She pointed to a chair next to her. I hesitated, because of the smell. It was pretty strong. I said, "Oh. Thank you, but I can only stay for a little bit. I have to go to work." She responded, again, with those sad eyes, "You know, I just lost a family member." I asked, "Oh... I'm so sorry. Were you close to that person?" She answered, "Yes, he was my husband." And then I felt really really sad for her and her sad eyes. But then, there was the smell of urine, which I could not bear. "Oh... I'm so ... very sorry. That must be hard... I don't even know how hard that must be." And then I didn't know what else to say. She invited me again: "Can you stay awhile?" And again, I responded with an "I'd love to but I really should get going." We repeated the conversation one more time, and then I was on my way.

What strikes me is my yearning to help women like Dana. There is so much need in the world, too much, in fact, and much less help and resources to go around, it seems. I wanted so badly to have the kind of life where I could stop and console a grieving window for just 30 minutes, instead of the 2 minutes I stood on her porch - no matter who they were. Yes, I live in Berkeley because I am a bit of a bleeding heart, but I also think that it is a universal trait that most women share ... If we had the time, we would stop and care for people or beings that might regularly fall in the category of the "other" and "other" usually equals for most people "I don't have time so I'm moving on after the initial pleasantries." Think Mother Teresa and Florence Nightingale. Childless as I am, I have the time to love other people's children. I also have time to worry about other people's parents and the well being of animals, plants, and the earth as a cohesive and intricately woven community, and when there is pain, I feel that pain as my own. But then again, I must earn my own living, and I am already sucked dry through my various volunteerisms. So I left Dana and moved on, much to my own disappointment of forsaking a beautiful opportunity to console someone in need of human kindness. And I believe in Karma.

But most of the pains in the world do not equate to our inevitable demise - except one: humanity's over-consumption of our resources. And yet we still live our lives as if we don't have a choice about how we live. I can't help but think that this is the greatest pain (or discomfort) that we humans, at least from the perspective of one citizen of the United States, must learn to overcome, to survive. We don't want to change, yes, but WE MUST. It will be difficult to change, I know, but I think it is possible. So I'd like to try out this theory with my own life.  It'll be an experiment: can an average person like me change my life without giving up my life?

[March 2011 update: I have found that the word "change" does indeed entail a change in our lives. But I have learned to let go of my pretenses (the things that aren't working for me anymore), and make space for new experiences as I journey through my life. It's initially hard to let go of my old habits. But in the end, I have been grateful for these changes.]

Act 1: Trying Change On