Spending Thanksgiving weekend by myself was pretty much the scariest thing I could think of doing. What would that mean about me? Am I truly that alone? And the simple truth was this: Yes, I am. And so I embraced it. And then the people who cared about me called me, and I relished the free time I had for the first time in a long time. I appreciated and cherished my friendships more than ever before, because I knew that those people were in my life because the feelings were mutual. And you know what? Those emotions that I was afraid would come knocking on my door - depression, sadness, loneliness - never arrived (or maybe I should say that they didn't stick around). Instead, I was happy, relaxed, and content with the life I did have.
I did cry a little bit over the weekend, but the crying was a release, an acceptance, an exercise in putting closure to the things that have been. I believe that whenever I shed tears, it's because I've finally accepted something as Truth. I welcome the tears, because acceptance only comes after I've gone through the stages of what Kubler-Ross called the five stages of grief (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C3%BCbler-Ross_model). The five stages are: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. By the time I cry, I've experienced a myriad of emotions. And knowing that my tears are a sign of my mental health is a good relief. Because at times I've felt like I'm going insane, because the things I am accepting are so outside of who I've been until that point.The act of acceptance makes me a new person with a different outlook on life.
I did cry a little bit over the weekend, but the crying was a release, an acceptance, an exercise in putting closure to the things that have been. I believe that whenever I shed tears, it's because I've finally accepted something as Truth. I welcome the tears, because acceptance only comes after I've gone through the stages of what Kubler-Ross called the five stages of grief (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C3%BCbler-Ross_model). The five stages are: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. By the time I cry, I've experienced a myriad of emotions. And knowing that my tears are a sign of my mental health is a good relief. Because at times I've felt like I'm going insane, because the things I am accepting are so outside of who I've been until that point.The act of acceptance makes me a new person with a different outlook on life.
Also, on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, I wrote about how I had a vision of driving up the coast. That was what I used to do to blow off some steam, before I chose the simpler life. What I actually did was different. I walked around town, and realized that it has been very beautiful here in the Fall. I bundled up to walk in the cold weather. It rained a lot over the weekend. The changes in the weather are a lot more subtle here compared to the East Coast, but it's there if you pay attention. The Ginkgo leaves turn a brilliant golden-yellow.The nippy-ness of the cold felt refreshing and invigorating.
At this point, I've thought long and hard about what my needs are at the most basic level. Having been an avid backpacker when I was younger taught me, among many things, that in the end, we don't need that much to persist. The things that I can carry on my back will sustain me for at least a week, if not more. And that's a powerful thought. When it comes down to it, I just don't need that much to be happy.
That's why I wrote the Thanksgiving Prayer. Because I think the list pretty much says it all. I need: Access to Nature, Shelter, Food, Warmth, Love, Teachers (and therefore Students), Companions, Peace around me, and the knowledge that I am part of something bigger.
Once I'd really figured out the things I need, I could then start to shed the things that do not directly affect these things. I'll probably have to ween myself off of some pleasures (like I won't be able to eat out as much) but in the end that's actually healthier and also better for the environment because then I'll actually control the ingredients of the food I consume. Hopefully I'll do my best to purchase organic, local produce. Of course, I will probably cheat a little here and there (I like getting my toilet paper in bulk at Costco) for the foreseeable future until I figure out other solutions for each type of consumer product. (For example, I've been looking for personal care products, i.e. shampoos & conditioners, that are NOT packaged in plastic - it's very hard to find.) But for now, I've actually been buying most of my food at the local farmer's market. The Berkeley Farmer's Market unfolds a block away every Tuesday. I can get meat, fish, frozen locally made tamales / pasta, yogurt, ice cream, cookies, fresh bread, chocolate, Blue Bottle Coffee, and seasonal vegetables and fruits. It really is enough. And it's a lot healthier then the other stuff I used to eat. So my new life rule is that if I'm going grocery shopping, I'm going to go there on foot (I will continue to get some staples like flour / sugar / salt / etc. at the grocery store up the street).
In conclusion, I didn't use the car these past four days... except twice to go get food. But otherwise, I walked everywhere, even to the hardware store 30 minutes away, with my dogs. And I found that to be very enjoyable. I am becoming more attuned to the power of the natural world, and the beauty of it as well. The things that my subconscious finds beautiful are strong clues to the path that I am meant to follow.
